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Chuck. Is. Dumb.
WHAT: Fun   |   WHEN: October 27, 2008

So I'm sitting in my office at home about a week and a half ago doing a little photo editing and minding my own business, and I hear this random tapping noise in the dining room for about 2 hours before a lightbulb goes off in my head and I realize, "Hey, that's not a normal house noise. Maybe I should go check it out." What can I say, I kinda turn my brain off when I'm in edit mode and the sounds around me just become background noise. Anywho.

The curiosity finally registered and I went to see what all the racket was about, and walked around the corner to catch a glimpse of a cardinal flying away. I chuckled, shrugged it off, and went back to work. A few minutes later, the cardinal - then affectionately named Chuck - was back. This time I tip-toed down the hall Elmer Fudd style to peek around the corner to get the 411 on the what was really going on. There's Chuck in all his red-feathered glory demonstrating why less-than-astute people are sometimes referred to as "bird-brained." Yep, he was repeatedly trying to fly into the dining room through the window. Chuckie-boy, you're an idiot. I laughed it off and figured surely he'll eventually figure out his effort is in vain and move on to trying to find a nice mail box or something to call home.

[Cut to today] It's day 10 and Chuck is still trying to make his way in for dinner. Every morning like clock work, he takes aim at the window thinking it's going to be his lucky day only to beat his beak incessantly against the invisible force field. It's baffling really. I mean, c'mon, Chuck, it's not like it's even a clean window on the outside. How can you not see that? What, is it that hideous early 80's gold chandelier that's mesmerizing you? If so, you've got bigger problems than your inability to recognize glass. I can't wait to get rid of that thing, and if you're lucky maybe I'll hang it in the neighbor's tree and you can build a nest in it. For the love of God, man, stop the madness, would ya? I can't take it anymore. Use your head and fi... Wait, scratch that. STOP using your head.

It's really starting to affect my mental faculties. Every day we play this silly game. Chuck starts banging on the window. I walk in the room and slap the glass and tell him to go away. A few minutes later, he's back and the vicious cycle repeats itself. It's getting so bad that today I ran into the room waving myarms above my head shouting at the top of my lungs like a looney. If somebody would've seen me they would've question my own sanity. But it worked. For a while.

I'm a pretty patient guy. Seriously. I've got a long fuse, but I'm on the verge of losing my own sanity because of a bird. It's like a dripping faucet that you can't fix. Or, worse yet, it's like water torture where they drip water on your forehead until you go whacko. So, if anyone's got any ideas that don't involve a BB gun, seances, or bird whisperers, I'm all ears.

I'm teetering on the idea of putting a life-size card board cut-out of myself in the window as a long-term deterrent. A Matt Crow so to speak. I bet the new neighbors would love that. I can hear 'em now. "Hey, honey, what's with the nut job next door? He's staring out the window 24/7. Crackhead."

Maybe so, but if it keeps Chuck away, it's a trade-off I'm willing to consider.


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